its been a while since we last wrote an artical but fuck it i say. to bring you up to speed the ministry of magic went bankrupt a few mouths ago it fell apart when minister of magic steve farley fled to florida to get ready for college.
the biggest news since the ministry fell apart was Ryan mckean and jen attard finally ended their long term relationship of three years. the reason they broke up was because the cadets at VT were running train on her. former mail man/ ginger for the minitry of magic and current student brendon tompson had this to say "shit nigga she was going crazier then that asian that shot up VT a few years ago, she just started suck alot of cock".
jen got ryan hook into her clutches when she told him she was pregnant with his child in 9th grade.
once she had ryan under her spell she had an abortion and once has to wonder if ryan will hang himself like fellow smithtown student joe caniso( smithtowns retard)
ryan was interviewed he had one thing to say "i have been at WJ jerking off to prom pictures of me and her since i have been at school and this cunt has the nerve to let some rotc cadets run train on her this is bullshit". we could not agree more with ryan we encourage the public not to watch jen on her web cams because she will she wil rock u.
The former minister steve farley's new life at Ole MISS.
steve farley has addapted well to life in college he has met several young friends the group as formed the name the fellowship.
Jersey
his real name is seth but they call him jersey on the account that he is from New jersy. seth has had the most luck with the ladies and has pounded out a good amount of women. seth like under ground bands and also Justin Bieber. seth is a very good drinker and was the first friend that steve farley met on his journey. seth fucked up his shoulder and is unable to be in the marines.He is GPA is unknown.
Twitch
he is a country boy full and thru he like country music food and has a love for dipping. he lives near new orleans has a slight twitch in his eyes but is the most loyal member of the fellowship he went home over the weekend. he is very clean.
Brendan Gellerstein-
he is jewish and has taken the place of josh adwar and he is the roommate of steve farley.
mom
aka sterling he is a texas football player he has nice cowboy boots and a nack for taking care of members of the fellowsship
holister
he is moms room mate and has a very nice body that almost rivals that of the famous dan lubarda.
drama
he says funny thinngs and got arrested she is a smoker
london
from the united kingdom he is old and likes to drink
bones
he is a local enjoys long walks on the beach and fine wine
these are people in the fellow ship that the Daily Prophet will be writing about.
we will be writing weekly articals to appear on Sundays
Senior analyst Preston Tucker
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Josh Picked Last Again; Sparks Flying in Pre-Season Rivalries
It should be no surprise to anybody who followed the SFL that Josh fell to the last pick again this season. Although he claims to be the tenth fastest player in the league, coaches simply didn't buy it. However, many speculate his pitiful draft stock is not due to his athleticism but his constant jew-whining.
This season will bring its fair share of rivalries, possibly the most in SFL history. Sunday will mark the first time Greg and Frank "Cap Rooney" will set foot on the same field together since their mid-season brawl last year. Although it may seem that Greg and Frank will be poised to fight again the real rivalry here is Frank and Craig. Ever since graduating Middle School Craig has relentlessly tried to ruin Franks life. During Frank's fight with Greg were it seemed Frank was going to demolish Greg and finally win the respect of his peers, Craig had the nerve to end the fight and pull Frank off of Greg. Look for Craig to go for Frank's bad knee this year in the SNG's first match up against the seasoned veteran.
Other rivalries are also afoot. Tamir, captain of the St. Louis Rolling Rock, made a groundbreaking move by drafting one of his own rivals in Tom Matherson. There is also expected to be mounds of sexual tension between Frank and Joe Stefurac, who has never been able to get Frank out of his mind after gently caressing his balls on the football field. The remaining rivalries can be summed up as follows:
Zack Naja v Nick Naja
Dan v Z-Rod
Shane v Neil
Josh v Jake Smith
Vanson v Everybody
Brad v Mariah
This season will bring its fair share of rivalries, possibly the most in SFL history. Sunday will mark the first time Greg and Frank "Cap Rooney" will set foot on the same field together since their mid-season brawl last year. Although it may seem that Greg and Frank will be poised to fight again the real rivalry here is Frank and Craig. Ever since graduating Middle School Craig has relentlessly tried to ruin Franks life. During Frank's fight with Greg were it seemed Frank was going to demolish Greg and finally win the respect of his peers, Craig had the nerve to end the fight and pull Frank off of Greg. Look for Craig to go for Frank's bad knee this year in the SNG's first match up against the seasoned veteran.
Other rivalries are also afoot. Tamir, captain of the St. Louis Rolling Rock, made a groundbreaking move by drafting one of his own rivals in Tom Matherson. There is also expected to be mounds of sexual tension between Frank and Joe Stefurac, who has never been able to get Frank out of his mind after gently caressing his balls on the football field. The remaining rivalries can be summed up as follows:
Zack Naja v Nick Naja
Dan v Z-Rod
Shane v Neil
Josh v Jake Smith
Vanson v Everybody
Brad v Mariah
Coming Attractions at the Daily Prophet
Avid readers have much to be excited for in the coming weeks. The SFL's draft for its eighth took place today. This marks the start of a new season which will undoubtedly bring a plethora of drama for the Prophet to report.
As always, the SNG is head and shoulders above the competition in terms of skill. The SNG roster is as follows:
Dan*: QB/LB/FB
Vinny**: WR/CB
Craig: RB/CB
Shane***: RB/CB/QB
Glenn: TE/ LB
Stefurac: C/DC
Dimauro: LT/K
*:Last season's winner of the 'Joe Cipp' Award
**:Last season's winner of the 'Dom Giamis' Award
***:Feels he was the best player in the league two seasons ago
The SNG has the same starting five that won the original SFL championship, so logically they are guaranteed to win this season also.
As always, the SNG is head and shoulders above the competition in terms of skill. The SNG roster is as follows:
Dan*: QB/LB/FB
Vinny**: WR/CB
Craig: RB/CB
Shane***: RB/CB/QB
Glenn: TE/ LB
Stefurac: C/DC
Dimauro: LT/K
*:Last season's winner of the 'Joe Cipp' Award
**:Last season's winner of the 'Dom Giamis' Award
***:Feels he was the best player in the league two seasons ago
The SNG has the same starting five that won the original SFL championship, so logically they are guaranteed to win this season also.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Authentic Joe Stefurac Jerseys Now On Sale
Back by popular demand, authentic jerseys of the all-pro center will go on sale this weekend for $5.
50% of all profits will go to autistic genocide victims in Haiti.
50% of all profits will go to autistic genocide victims in Haiti.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Hall of Famer Dom Giamis Returns to Serbia; All Organs Intact
Ex-Guardsmen Dom Giamis has left his football career at Brockport in order to pursue another SFL championship in Serbia. Many thought Dom's SFL career was over when he offered to sell his organs for a relatively small amount of money.
When asked if his organs are still for sale Dom responded,"You got three dollas? I'll sell you a kidney for three dollas." Daily Prophet reporters then inquired as to whether the risk of an illegal organ trade was worth three dollars to which Mr. Giamis answered,"Brad's dad is the chief of the Commack police it's straight, it's straight."
Although obviously hard pressed for money, Dom is enojying living among his fellow slavic people.
When asked if his organs are still for sale Dom responded,"You got three dollas? I'll sell you a kidney for three dollas." Daily Prophet reporters then inquired as to whether the risk of an illegal organ trade was worth three dollars to which Mr. Giamis answered,"Brad's dad is the chief of the Commack police it's straight, it's straight."
Although obviously hard pressed for money, Dom is enojying living among his fellow slavic people.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
SNG Taking Touch Football Too Seriously, Causing Major Psychological Damage
The SFL stated in a press release today that the SNG is a disgrace to the league. "They aren't winning because of talent anymore, they're winning because they are taunting and ridiculing other teams to the point where they can't function." This practice has been called "dangerous" and "mean".
Rolling Rock captain Tamir Sartana says that the SNG has gone far and is "causing major psychological damage" to his team. Tamir says that he is constantly having to stop teammates from causing bodily harm to themselves. This, however, can be attributed to a single player who has always started cutting himself once he's got a few brews in him.
There may be some merit to Tamir's claim; SFL statisticians say that there has been a 300% increase in the amount of players medicated for depression since the beginning of the season, while the SNG has seen no increase in medication and a decrease in the amount of times their girlfriends cheat on them.
When asked if he is taking the taunting too far, SNG captain Dan Lubarda said, "I play for keeps."
Rolling Rock captain Tamir Sartana says that the SNG has gone far and is "causing major psychological damage" to his team. Tamir says that he is constantly having to stop teammates from causing bodily harm to themselves. This, however, can be attributed to a single player who has always started cutting himself once he's got a few brews in him.
There may be some merit to Tamir's claim; SFL statisticians say that there has been a 300% increase in the amount of players medicated for depression since the beginning of the season, while the SNG has seen no increase in medication and a decrease in the amount of times their girlfriends cheat on them.
When asked if he is taking the taunting too far, SNG captain Dan Lubarda said, "I play for keeps."
Serbia is Unstoppable
After man-handling every team and going 3-0 this week, SNG has returned to greatness. Even without their extremely lazy second round pick, Stasko, SNG was able to win 3 games and only allowed 3 points.
SNG shut out Rolling Rock, who didn't score one point. This arose some doubts to the intelligence of Rolling Rock captain, Tamir Sartana, who claimed his team would go 3-0 this week, and is now predicting his pitiful excuse for a team to get three wins next week.
At least Naja made good on his guarantee that nobody would score on him. Oh wait, he didn't.
Shane had this to say about the SNG's wins, "Rich Boy sellin' crack motherfucker, I'ma throw some D's on dis bitch."
SNG captain Dan Lubarda made these comments after the game,"You think that we were good today? I was wearing shoes today; just wait until playoffs when I go barefoot. Bitches necks be crackin' then."
It should be noted that Dan made the mistake of pluralizing playoff; the SNG will only be playing in the championship game.
SNG shut out Rolling Rock, who didn't score one point. This arose some doubts to the intelligence of Rolling Rock captain, Tamir Sartana, who claimed his team would go 3-0 this week, and is now predicting his pitiful excuse for a team to get three wins next week.
At least Naja made good on his guarantee that nobody would score on him. Oh wait, he didn't.
Shane had this to say about the SNG's wins, "Rich Boy sellin' crack motherfucker, I'ma throw some D's on dis bitch."
SNG captain Dan Lubarda made these comments after the game,"You think that we were good today? I was wearing shoes today; just wait until playoffs when I go barefoot. Bitches necks be crackin' then."
It should be noted that Dan made the mistake of pluralizing playoff; the SNG will only be playing in the championship game.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Shane Roughed Up For Coming to SNG
Shane came into school today with a black eye, courtesy of Rolling Rock goons. The former SNG quarterback was viciously attacked by Glenn "Skinny Arms" Trovato when he swung an elbow into Shane's face, breaking his eye socket. Although Shane is staying strong, rumour is that he may have to sell some organs in order to pay for reconstructive surgery. When asked about the situation Shane said, "I'm just tryna keep shit reel. All this never would've happened if Frank hadn't gone to Florida. Fuck hoes and snort blow nigga."
Other SNG members also report Glenn "Dicks for Biceps" Trovato came after them. One player, whose name we've been asked to keep confidential, reports that Glenn cut open his head and banged his sisters. "Andrea was kind of boring in bed," says Glenn, "but Angelica was a freak. We went at it for 2 hours straight. My dick is sorer than Ryan's ass after Jen spanks him."
In other news SNG will have to pick up Brad Hubbs off waiver wire this week while John Mastronardo is on an upstate skiing trip.
Other SNG members also report Glenn "Dicks for Biceps" Trovato came after them. One player, whose name we've been asked to keep confidential, reports that Glenn cut open his head and banged his sisters. "Andrea was kind of boring in bed," says Glenn, "but Angelica was a freak. We went at it for 2 hours straight. My dick is sorer than Ryan's ass after Jen spanks him."
In other news SNG will have to pick up Brad Hubbs off waiver wire this week while John Mastronardo is on an upstate skiing trip.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Naja Steals "Darelle Revis" Alias From Vinny, Possible Copyright Infringement
Vinny has recently called himself Darelle Revis after his great coverage in the championship game. Nick Naja copied Vinny and started to call himself Darelle Revis as seen in the article "Naja Guarantee". The Daily Prophet legal staff believes Nick may have violated Vinny's copyright on the slogan.
Thursday, October 15th was the first day that Vinny called himself Darelle Revis, as supported by SNG evidence. Vinny continued to use this alias throughout the SFL season and even during the SFL championship.
Nick started to call himself Darelle Revis today, January 15th, 2009, 2 months after Vinny's decleration that he was in fact Darelle Revis.
SNG lawyers say they are pursuing Nick to the fullest exent of the law, and that they are seeking royalties.
Thursday, October 15th was the first day that Vinny called himself Darelle Revis, as supported by SNG evidence. Vinny continued to use this alias throughout the SFL season and even during the SFL championship.
Nick started to call himself Darelle Revis today, January 15th, 2009, 2 months after Vinny's decleration that he was in fact Darelle Revis.
SNG lawyers say they are pursuing Nick to the fullest exent of the law, and that they are seeking royalties.
New Season, New Rings for SNG
With the start of the 2010 SFL season the SNG is fully expecting a repeat of last season, along with another ring to add to their collection. The SNG is coming back with a new team that nobody in the league will be able to play with. Here are the bios for the new SNG:
Craig Matturo:
Although plagued by instability last season, Craig has been a valued part of the SNG in seasons past. When asked why he only appeared in the championship game last season, Craig had this to say, "That hoe alex fucked my shit up. I went into a slump and was hooked on the d-block for a while but now I'm clean and ready to fuck shit up." Look for Craig to shine brighter than he did in the championship, where rumour has it he was in the midst of rough withdrawls.
Joe Solo:
Joe was not only a first round pick, but also a loving and caring boyfriend to Kim Mina. Until of course he changed his mind and decided to befriend Jackie Fence. This cold hearted action is something that will fit right in at the SNG. Little is known about Joe's actual football talent.
Mike Stasko:
Stasko started with a humble beggining in the Ukraine. After immigrating to the US he single-handedly gave Ukrainians a lazy reputation. Before all-star Vinny Alestra found him, Mike was peddling jenkem on a New York City Street. Vinny fed, clothed and nurtured Mike until he was ready for the real world.
Look for Mike to be the sleeper pick of the year.
Brendan Thompson:
Brendan is another player with unrecognized talent. Requently called "BT", Brendan is expected to be a big part of SNG football. His athletic ability, along with his partying ability will make him a force to be reckoned with.
Josh:
Arguably the most athletic last pick ever, Josh is good at surfing.
Vinny Alestra:
Vinny had been a dedicated Guardsmen since day one. His talent was showcased for all to see during the championship series where he earned MVP. Vinny may not be able to play opening week after suffering facial trauma at banquet that needed reconstructive surgery. When asked about the current situation with Mel, Vinny said, "Bitches be crazy."
Dan Lubarda:
Although Dan's performance has been unpredictable lately, one thing that is predictable is that Zack Naja will be bent for the SFL opener. Zack smokes before every event in his life and SFL will be no exception. The kid is like a chimney. When asked about his favorite strain Zack said, "I smoke dat good shit." The only shit Zack will be smoking this season is coming from the SNG's rear end, S-A.
Craig Matturo:
Although plagued by instability last season, Craig has been a valued part of the SNG in seasons past. When asked why he only appeared in the championship game last season, Craig had this to say, "That hoe alex fucked my shit up. I went into a slump and was hooked on the d-block for a while but now I'm clean and ready to fuck shit up." Look for Craig to shine brighter than he did in the championship, where rumour has it he was in the midst of rough withdrawls.
Joe Solo:
Joe was not only a first round pick, but also a loving and caring boyfriend to Kim Mina. Until of course he changed his mind and decided to befriend Jackie Fence. This cold hearted action is something that will fit right in at the SNG. Little is known about Joe's actual football talent.
Mike Stasko:
Stasko started with a humble beggining in the Ukraine. After immigrating to the US he single-handedly gave Ukrainians a lazy reputation. Before all-star Vinny Alestra found him, Mike was peddling jenkem on a New York City Street. Vinny fed, clothed and nurtured Mike until he was ready for the real world.
Look for Mike to be the sleeper pick of the year.
Brendan Thompson:
Brendan is another player with unrecognized talent. Requently called "BT", Brendan is expected to be a big part of SNG football. His athletic ability, along with his partying ability will make him a force to be reckoned with.
Josh:
Arguably the most athletic last pick ever, Josh is good at surfing.
Vinny Alestra:
Vinny had been a dedicated Guardsmen since day one. His talent was showcased for all to see during the championship series where he earned MVP. Vinny may not be able to play opening week after suffering facial trauma at banquet that needed reconstructive surgery. When asked about the current situation with Mel, Vinny said, "Bitches be crazy."
Dan Lubarda:
Although Dan's performance has been unpredictable lately, one thing that is predictable is that Zack Naja will be bent for the SFL opener. Zack smokes before every event in his life and SFL will be no exception. The kid is like a chimney. When asked about his favorite strain Zack said, "I smoke dat good shit." The only shit Zack will be smoking this season is coming from the SNG's rear end, S-A.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Vinny Alestra Wins Championship MVP
Vinny Alestra won MVP of the championship series. His outstanding play at wide receiver, defensive back and even quarterback made him a shoe-in for the award.
When asked about his great drafting talent SNG captain Dan Lubarda had this to say,"I mean I don't want to take all the credit but it was my idea to draft him. I told him "Kid I'm gonna make you a star" and I'm a man of my word. So in the end, I'm pretty much responsible for his success"
Although the legitimacy of Dan's credit for the MVP award is debated, we can certainly be sure the statements didn't stem from an out of check ego
When asked about his great drafting talent SNG captain Dan Lubarda had this to say,"I mean I don't want to take all the credit but it was my idea to draft him. I told him "Kid I'm gonna make you a star" and I'm a man of my word. So in the end, I'm pretty much responsible for his success"
Although the legitimacy of Dan's credit for the MVP award is debated, we can certainly be sure the statements didn't stem from an out of check ego
SNG is Officially the Best Team in Touch Football History
The guardsmen were crowned SFL champions yesterday after demolishing the Itallion Stallions. The SNG won the first ever championship in the SFL. Here is the roster that will forever be remembered as champions:
Dan Lubarda RB/QB/LB
Vinny Alestra WR/CB
Shane Filomena QB/WR/LB
Craig Matturo TE/DB/MIA
Glenn Trovato TE/FS
Steve Farley (RIP) RB/LB
Joe Stefurac C/DC
Dan Lubarda RB/QB/LB
Vinny Alestra WR/CB
Shane Filomena QB/WR/LB
Craig Matturo TE/DB/MIA
Glenn Trovato TE/FS
Steve Farley (RIP) RB/LB
Joe Stefurac C/DC
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Guard Members Formally Excused from School For Holiday
Team Captain Dan Lubarda declared that all members of the SNG will be excused from school and any other obligations on January 7th, the day of Serbian Christmas.
The Daily Prophet asked team member Shane what he will be doing on his holiday to which he replied,"I'll be gettin crunk and snortin junk."
Overall the team seems excited for the day which will include the burning of the Banjak and of course gift opening. This holiday is a clear sign that the SNG is destined to win the SFL championship.
The Daily Prophet asked team member Shane what he will be doing on his holiday to which he replied,"I'll be gettin crunk and snortin junk."
Overall the team seems excited for the day which will include the burning of the Banjak and of course gift opening. This holiday is a clear sign that the SNG is destined to win the SFL championship.
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