RIP Jack: Not Just the Loss of a Car But a Friend

This weekend has been an interesting one for the staff of the Daily Prophet. It’s had its ups and downs and took one casualty. Jack was taken out of a ditch this morning and brought to a Good Year in Syracuse (he was first taken to a Midas but was turned away because of health insurance issues). As his last wish Jack wanted us to tell you his life accomplishments and the story of his tragic demise.

Jack had a sheltered childhood. Growing up in rural Japan he wasn’t exposed to any of the dangers he would grow to face. Jack then set out for New York, where he could live out his life long dream of being a state trooper. His first driver was Huey, a redneck from Pennsylvania who is known to drive drunk and take no prisoners. The only reason he takes no prisoners is because his terrible driving leaves all passengers dead and all cars he touches totaled. Jack took his blows from Huey’s driving and was an eyesore to all of Hayloft Court for an unnecessarily long time.

Step in Steve Farley; a heavier drinker with recklessness never before seen in a human. Steve’s first day with Jack was shaky. At first he couldn’t get Jack to start and thought he needed a jump but it turned out that all he needed was some pliers to under the hood (a practice he continued to his grave). Next Steve got into an unlucky accident, On Main Street a Mercedes was slowing down to turn before Jack gave her a love tap. Jack was left with a fractured bumper. The accident ,however, was ruled no fault; Mr. Farley was unable to watch the road while ashing his cigarette, clearly a freak accident.

Jack had a relatively quiet life from there. Although frequently keyed by an unknown culprit, Jack made it to see skinning of a rabbit and a new ornament for his rear view mirror. Jack’s next test was one for the ages. Jack was called on to make the 7 hour drive to Brockport College. Jack fought nobly but only made it to Syracuse before he failed to start, where some jackass instructed Mr. Farley to leave the car in a ditch on the side of a highway instead of calling a tow truck. Jack was towed two days later and currently rests in Syracuse.

Please all address all support mail to:
Jack Stiasny
424 E Water Street
Syracuse