Brockport Madness

Like all men experience once in their lives, I am taking a bus from Rochester to New York after being stranded in upstate New York. I am using this time to do the only thing I know how; write articles for my blog about the Smithtown Football League.

Justin Lowry and AJ Center suffered a stroke of bad luck on their way to Brockport College this weekend. On their way to visit their dear friend Dom at College, Justin and AJ found themselves stranded on the bottom of a hill in Syracuse after their car broke down. Any time they tried to start the car it would sputter and crack rapidly without being able to drive. Justin called his dad (a man who used to sell cars and knows a fair deal about them) who said he was busy and later texted him back telling him “You’re fucked”

Justin then got help from the only other father figure he has, Frank AKA Charlie from Charlie’s angels. Charlie made a few phone calls and called Justin’s Uncle Nick, a standup student at Syracuse University. Uncle Nick ,who only lives 3 miles away from the site of the breakdown, came to the boys rescue. They were found freezing to death in a ditch in the frigid upstate climate. Uncle Nick brought them to his apartment (along with his beautiful mistress) and gave them food and shelter. While Nick took care of the boys Dom borrowed a car from somebody he had never met and embarked on the 2 hour drive to Syracuse. Dom arrived with his friend Chuck and picked up Justin and AJ who took Dom to their broken car. They took everything they could out of the car as they were originally planning on burning it and forgetting anything ever happened. After arriving at Brockport they realized this was an incredibly stupid idea and decided to just call a mechanic.

Justin spent the day calling mechanics in Syracuse while AJ sat in the disgusting Dorm and drank Olde English to pass the time. Justin joined them and brought bad news; he had pissed off all the tow truck drivers in Syracuse and couldn’t find a way to get it towed. This forced AJ to do some things he’s not proud of to raise money to get to Rochester where his father had called in bus tickets for them.

With the gas money secured Dom was able to borrow another student’s car (apparently upstate kids are just willing to lend their vehicles to anyone who asks). On the way to the car Dom had the following dialogue with AJ:
Dom: “You owe me uh lot uh money Centuh”
AJ: “Dom I already gave you $60 for coming to pick us up”
Dom: “ I had to pay X* amount to the kid to borrow his car and I had to pay for gas. I’ll tell you what, gimme $10 and we’ll call it even.”
AJ: “No Dom”
Dom: “5 dollas and well call it even”
AJ: “No Dom”

*X always equals 10 dollars more than the last time he said it

AJ and Justin were able to escape from the shit hole that is Brockport College and make it to the bus station where they met an interesting character. They met a short, balding middle aged man who was carrying a shopping bag full of clothes and sported a brand new pair of baby blue Jordans. “Aw man I need this twenty from this guy who owes me money to get out of here. I only got a dollar. I’m thinking about just returning these clothes to the mall and getting my money back. Why you got an onion sack man?” It should be noted this man never tried to sell anything or ask for money, he was just bathshit insane. And Justin actually was carrying an onion sack.

RIP Jack: Not Just the Loss of a Car But a Friend

This weekend has been an interesting one for the staff of the Daily Prophet. It’s had its ups and downs and took one casualty. Jack was taken out of a ditch this morning and brought to a Good Year in Syracuse (he was first taken to a Midas but was turned away because of health insurance issues). As his last wish Jack wanted us to tell you his life accomplishments and the story of his tragic demise.

Jack had a sheltered childhood. Growing up in rural Japan he wasn’t exposed to any of the dangers he would grow to face. Jack then set out for New York, where he could live out his life long dream of being a state trooper. His first driver was Huey, a redneck from Pennsylvania who is known to drive drunk and take no prisoners. The only reason he takes no prisoners is because his terrible driving leaves all passengers dead and all cars he touches totaled. Jack took his blows from Huey’s driving and was an eyesore to all of Hayloft Court for an unnecessarily long time.

Step in Steve Farley; a heavier drinker with recklessness never before seen in a human. Steve’s first day with Jack was shaky. At first he couldn’t get Jack to start and thought he needed a jump but it turned out that all he needed was some pliers to under the hood (a practice he continued to his grave). Next Steve got into an unlucky accident, On Main Street a Mercedes was slowing down to turn before Jack gave her a love tap. Jack was left with a fractured bumper. The accident ,however, was ruled no fault; Mr. Farley was unable to watch the road while ashing his cigarette, clearly a freak accident.

Jack had a relatively quiet life from there. Although frequently keyed by an unknown culprit, Jack made it to see skinning of a rabbit and a new ornament for his rear view mirror. Jack’s next test was one for the ages. Jack was called on to make the 7 hour drive to Brockport College. Jack fought nobly but only made it to Syracuse before he failed to start, where some jackass instructed Mr. Farley to leave the car in a ditch on the side of a highway instead of calling a tow truck. Jack was towed two days later and currently rests in Syracuse.

Please all address all support mail to:
Jack Stiasny
424 E Water Street
Syracuse

SNG First Seed, Brett's Leadership Still Sucks

Once again the SNG is the top team in the league. After a rough start the SNG is in first seed and is set to win the division. The only thing that can knock the guard off now is if Brett's team wins 4 straight, which won't happen because Brett's leadership sucks.

Here at the Daily Prophet we always give you unbiased, cold hard facts. Today we're here to tell you that the Minotaurs (gay) won't win one more game because Brett is a faggot and a pussy. Brett was seen last friday with teammate Greg "Ass Pounder" Holst spending the night in the Commack Motel. This comes as no surprise; Brett ran around like he had a pole in his ass and had trouble sitting down during last saturday's game. Him and his extremely poor leadership led New Zealand to lose every game that day.

Expect the Minotaurs to lose out and miss the playoffs to the Trojans.

Georgia is Still a BadAss

lifesaxxbetch: hey guess what I FUCKING HATE YOUR GUTS
metalhead9017: i couldve guessed that there was no need to say it without letting me guess
lifesaxxbetch: EGGGGS ACTLYYYY
lifesaxxbetch: im glad were on the same page
lifesaxxbetch: actually i take that back i would never be on the same page as you i would just shit all over your page u piece of liver dirt
metalhead9017: bro you just said we were on the same page
metalhead9017: that really hurts
metalhead9017: i thought we had a thing going there
lifesaxxbetch: I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING BRO
metalhead9017: BRO!
lifesaxxbetch: MOM!!!!!
lifesaxxbetch: SIS!!!!!
lifesaxxbetch: AUNT!!!
metalhead9017: bro why you shouting for
metalhead9017: you shouldnt get so angry
metalhead9017: you know how to break a jaw you could hurt somebody like that
metalhead9017: your typing for a long time you should take keyboarding bro
metalhead9017: it will speed up your typing
lifesaxxbetch: I AM NOT TYPING YOU FUCKING PRICK
lifesaxxbetch: I DONT EVEN USE COMPUTERS I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT TYPING
metalhead9017: thats badass
lifesaxxbetch: I AM NOT TRYING TO BE A BADASS
lifesaxxbetch: BUT IM GUNA BE A FUCKING BADASS WHEN I PERSONALLY SLIT YOUR THROAT
metalhead9017: i dont think you are im just saying your really badass i wish i were more like you
metalhead9017: ill be a martyr for your badassness i dont mind
lifesaxxbetch: oh my god i really despise the fuck outa you
metalhead9017: well i like you
metalhead9017: so if you want this to work your gonna have to put more effort into the relationship
lifesaxxbetch: RELATIONSHIP?!?!!?!?
lifesaxxbetch: AS IN IM GOING TO MURDER YOU RELATIONSHIP?!!??!1
metalhead9017: well thats a type of relationship
metalhead9017: but not exactly the one im looking for